Evan Solomon: i’m not anti babies just because i don’t want one
Evan Solomon: i like restaurants but i don’t want one of those either
Evan Solomon: had a funny moment you’ll appreciate
Evan Solomon: we have breakfast in our office on monday mornings, and today it is bagels + lox/cream cheese/veggies/etc
Evan Solomon: so i’m making a bagel at the same time as two other people
Evan Solomon: one of them mentions toasting her bagel
Evan Solomon: and the other asks me if i’m “one of those new yorkers” who thinks bagels shouldn’t be toasted
Evan Solomon: which i start to answer
Evan Solomon: then notice that she’s drizzling honey on her bagel
Evan Solomon: and i almost lose it
Evan Solomon: it was unreal
Evan Solomon: i let her know that, yes, i am one of those
Evan Solomon: I love when Ben Carson speaks up
Evan Solomon: He always sounds like a kid that just woke up from a nap
Evan Solomon: And remembered a piece of trivia he learned
Mark Jaquith: HOW DO YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT INSECTS.
Evan Solomon: I live in San Francisco. That’s like knowing how to use an abacus.
Evan Solomon: i am currently embroiled in a domestic emergency
Evan Solomon: i am trying to use my building’s washer/dryer for the first time
Evan Solomon: there is one of each machine, and every time i look they’re in use
Evan Solomon: and there seems to be some kind of system for claiming next in line that involves leaving your dirty clothes laying around the room
Evan Solomon: but i can’t figure out the system, and i’m too scared to ask someone
Evan Solomon: so i just keep hopelessly checking every half hour, hoping the machines will suddenly be empty because who the fuck else is sitting around trying to do laundry on monday afternoon
Editor’s note: This transcript is from October 20, 2014. Evan moved into the building in January 2013. He was ultimately not successful at using their washer/dryer and has not tried again since.
Evan Solomon: you know what’s bullshit
Evan Solomon: dishwasher technology
Evan Solomon: why do i have to wash shit before i put it in there
E: I just had a funny domestic moment
I was searching on amazon for a new light bulb to replace this one that burned out
Which btw is a stressful process imo
Anyway I found the right ones and usually for this kind of cheap household item I’d buy some extra just to have
But then I was like jesus christ these things last years, I don’t really want to consider the possibility of where I’m going to live years from now and what kind of light bulbs I’m going to need
So then I looked for smaller packages
Which seemed like a funny thought process to me
Also I got kinda stressed out thinking about where I would put the extra ones
Because I don’t have a place that I keep light bulbs
Because I don’t have any light bulbs
Ironically I may end up getting 4 of them anyway because that package is only 50 cents more than a single bulb
And the jew in me cannot pass up that kind of value
So now I’m gonna need to pick a lightbulb drawer or something
H: Are you that kind of organized at home?
E: Yes and no
I would not call myself organized really
But I need to pick a place to put these things, right?
H: Well I am a person with a label maker and a box labeled “light bulbs” so… Yes.
E: I’m not going label wherever they go
But like, I have a place I put stuff for things I buy extra of
I have a place where my extra toothpaste is, and my extra paper towels, and my extra coffee filters
And next week I’ll need one for light bulbs
“Basically 100% of relationships (within minor rounding error) don’t last”
October 5, 2012: Prologue
Evan Solomon: i had some banana bread earlier
Evan Solomon: that was pretty good
Evan Solomon: better than a cookie
January 21, 2013: The Incident
Evan Solomon: just had a good episode of “Evan vs domestic occurances”
Evan Solomon: accidentally bought about 50 bananas through instacart because i thought the price for 6 was the price for 1
Aaron Jorbin: So you’re going to be making banana bread and sending it to everyone?
Evan Solomon: i was actually going to look up how to slow down banana ripening
Dion: I’m just WTF’ing that you bought that many bananas believing they were ultimately 10x the price of a normal banana
Evan Solomon: yea it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense
Evan Solomon: turns out bananas are a super good deal
Dion: They must be, nice and pricey over here
Evan Solomon: about 40 cents/banana
Aaron Jorbin: WHy do you think we setup banana republics?
Dion: Ah, USD$1.00/banana for a decent one here atm
Evan Solomon: actually it’s probalby closer to 30 cents, the average bananas per bunch is higher that i first thought
Evan Solomon: i do really like banana bread though
Aaron Jorbin: Bananas also make a good substitute for eggs in baking brownies (and makes them vegan)
Evan Solomon: i’m more into banana bread, but that’s good info
Daryl Koopersmith: let this be an expression of my love for this situation
Daryl Koopersmith: also, chex and I will happily relieve you of some of your banana burden
Daryl Koopersmith: and have a banana split/bread/fun party
Chelsea Otakan: let’s have a banana split party!
sara cannon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk?tag=hydfbook0e-20&ascsubtag=US-SAGE-1357909693878-JGDYJ
sara cannon: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
sara cannon: (comments and user photos hilarious)
Evan Solomon: wow
Evan Solomon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/B0047E0EII/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_0?ie=UTF8&index=0
sara cannon: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51wocAPiNSL.jpg
sara cannon: haha
Chelsea Otakan: oh man
Chelsea Otakan: we should melt chocolate
Chelsea Otakan: and dip frozen bananas in them
Chelsea Otakan: lets start a frozen banana stand
Daryl Koopersmith: there’s always money in the banana stand
sara cannon: ^ this
Chelsea Otakan: Evan’s Frozen Banana Stand
Aaron Jorbin: I would eat Evan’s frozen banana
Chelsea Otakan: thats why evan is leaving a8c and buying a bunch of bananas
Aaron Jorbin: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51lDbZaEXpL.jpg
Evan Solomon: update on banana news: i actually ordered the right amount of bananas but the guy bought about 7x too many
Aaron Jorbin: bought or brought or do you just refer to yourself as “the guy” now?
Evan Solomon: hahaha
Chelsea Otakan: so bananas are really expensive?
Evan Solomon: i ordered it through a delivery service
Evan Solomon: that guy
Evan Solomon: bananas are still cheap
Evan Solomon: like 30 cents each
Evan Solomon: tl;dr: i got a bunch of unauthorized bananas
Aaron Jorbin: did you check them for poison?
Evan Solomon: no
sara cannon: lol “unauthorized bananas”
Pete Mall: Trader Joe’s bananas are always 19 cents
Helen Hou-Sandi: if you freeze peeled bananas and then blend them you get something rather like ice cream.
Evan Solomon: i don’t have a blender
Evan Solomon: i have a food processor though
Helen Hou-Sandi: food processor works
Helen Hou-Sandi: that’s kind of a funny thing to have, although i definitely use my food processor more than the blender
Evan Solomon: yea it doens’t make a lot of sense that i have it
Aaron Jorbin: I’m surprised that you have any kitchen supplies Evan
Evan Solomon: that’s reasonable
Aaron Jorbin: Actually, I expect you to have a knife, but that’s because I expect everyone to have a knife.
Evan Solomon: also that’s how i change smoke detector batteries
April 20, 2013: The Followup
Evan Solomon: thanks to whichever one of you did this
Beau Lebens: lolwut
Evan Solomon: there’s backchat from a few days ago about this woman who i guess used to live in my apartment
Evan Solomon: who i constantly get mail for
Evan Solomon: mostly mail order catalogs
Evan Solomon: but also cards from her plastic surgeon
Evan Solomon: and funeral notices
Evan Solomon: and recently a clipper card with a monthly pass and $100 of value on it
Evan Solomon: the banana slicer joke was from when i accidentally bought 60 bananas
Beau Lebens: 1. i assume you’re using the clipper card?, and
Beau Lebens: 2. how the hell do you *accidentally* buy 60 bananas?
Andrew Nacin: that is absolutely amazing
Andrew Nacin: he ordered 10 bananas not realizing it was 10 half-dozen bunches, or something like that
Beau Lebens: brilliant
Mark Jaquith: Evan — so, confession. When I asked for your address during the whole Gloria Hwang situation, I had ulterior motives. I was hoping that exactly this thing would happen. But whoever tied in the banana episode is a fucking genius.
Evan Solomon: starts out as a confession…ends up not confessing to the actual thing
Mark Jaquith: Confession — I did it that way on purpose.
May 30, 2013: Offscreen, at JSConf
Aaron Jorbin brings a banana and puts it in Evan’s room.
June 17, 2013: The Confession
Pete Mall: the battery in one of my smoke detectors may be low
Pete Mall: Evan: help
Andrew Nacin: Pete: Send your make/model to Dion, he’ll get you the manual.
Pete Mall: we can do a live hangout
Pete Mall: let me grab the Glass
Aaron D. Campbell: Seems like Evan needs a Youtube how-to for this kind of thing
Mark Jaquith: I would love to write the script for that.
Mark Jaquith: EVAN: Step two, knife stabbing. Grab a sharp knife and begin stabbing the back of the detector, searching for any battery panels that might be hidden under stickers. CROSSFADE EVAN (with bandage on hand): Step three…
Helen Hou-Sandi: (with bandage on hand and knife in mouth)
Mark Jaquith: YES
Mark Jaquith: Or rather, with knife in other hand… but when describing step 3, he has to pick up the detector, looks around for a place to put the knife, then puts it in his mouth.
Mark Jaquith: Continues description of step three talking “through the knife”.
Pete Mall: I don’t like going to a store so I’ll probably order it on Amazon.
Pete Mall: (channeling Evan)
Mark Jaquith: Make sure it says “battery” not “pallet of batteries”.
Pete Mall: did anyone own up to sending Evan the banana slicer?
Mark Jaquith: Not publicly, I don’t think.
Mark Jaquith: I’m just pissed I didn’t think of it. (OR DIDN’T I?)
Andrew Nacin: Jorbin handed him a banana at JSConf.
Andrew Nacin: So yes.
Mark Jaquith: Nice.
Aaron Jorbin: It was me
Aaron Jorbin: I did own up to it to him
Evan Solomon: the in person banana delivery was well done
October 21, 2013: The Report
April 4, 2014: Offscreen, in NYC
Aaron Jorbin steps out of a gathering at MacDougal Street Ale House for a cigarette. He returns with a banana and places it in front of Evan.
November 9, 2014: The Déjà Vu
Evan Solomon: just a heads up, for those of you that may remember…
Evanisms 
